i messed up my bangs so badly in may that i feel like i've had to just temporarily, but harshly,
kill off every visual aesthetic aim i'd been trying to keep to, like going cold turkey. i have no choice. my
eyebrows are unavoidably visible, it's just over. until several weeks or months from now. it's probably just
good for me, i mean, "visual aesthetic aim," how disgusting! look your body in the eye, alex, you scared ape!
the temperature today was perfect, so i decided i had to get out to the nature trail. i decided to take a more
roundabout four-mile path there, which i suspected would have less traffic & thus be quieter. well, it turned
out to be longer & about as loud, but i still enjoyed the novel terrain, walking among farmland
---
i stood at the top of a small, gravely, sunlit hill & i became a child again for several minutes. for no reason! sometimes you just walk over
to a clearing in the woods & become a child again for no reason. usually you don't, but sometimes you do. everything cynical, & bitter, & akin
to the cultural hellfire that Italo Calvino said we form by being together, was gone. i felt free. i hopped around, i raised my fists, i skipped,
i mindlessly tried to pull an enormous tree branch out of a pit but didn't have the strength. i had to prance & leap the energy out of me, making
a raggedly happy sound, like a shredded up beginning of a laugh. it probably has a name. the best thing that can happen seemed to have happened:
the tyranny of the mundanity i seem forced to ascribe to every moment had lifted. i daydreamed of a friendly stranger approaching me, of
taking his hands & reciting the song's lyrics as i heard them, of this being delightful & stimulating & not disconcerting [5]
this was mostly all fixed in words even before i began to type about it on my phone, so maybe it was diminished
at that point. still, though, it was very real & i'm very grateful to have felt it. & after this point i still felt like
i was in a dream, walking along the trail, through the woods, sometimes carrying my bunny in its sack or
sometimes hugging it, sometimes holding its face to my neck as though i were really comforting a small creature
------
that separated it from being heavenly, how it was only the act of forgetting the context around this moment that made it feel
free-of-cost, unconditional, immaterial, God-given. just for a little while. i felt benevolently crazy & only wanted to lean
into it. i thought about how every physical action seems like a spiritual communion with every absolute concept or adjective
that can be tied to it, like exploring a dense immaterial web. at this point my phone was close to dying
this sort of headspace always comes with a buried fear, an anxiety, a need for it all to be real, valid, for
none of it to seem to other people like something ephemeral or juvenile or embarrassing, to not... to
not... to not come off like those screenshots you see. someone is on a psychedelic drug, & they post
a photograph of a bathroom tile & caption it "oh christ, oh my god," & you're "supposed" to laugh
charmed by the fact
that before we met you were
probably frequently listening to a
song whos chorus is "i hate california girls"
ben
asked me
"what is up
with you and alex"
and i smiled and beeped
at him really loud so loud
guy walking past us whipped head around
✶꩜✴𝄞✴꩜✶
i keep visualising this i
would like to watch it
through a time
portal
i found this mesage really beautiful at the same time that it made me
wish desperately that i did not feel like so many of my
emotions had already been stolen away by life
on planet earth, because i want to feedback
loop into joyful hysteria with you -
but in spite of that regret i
still like like like and
hope hope hope
you will look the sun
in the eye and you will stare
until your eyes water and you will
remember and it will be blearily easy
" in rest energy we actually hold one arrow on the weight of our body
and arrow is pointing my heart . we have two small , little
microphones on our hearts where we can hear
the sounds of the heart beating .
as our performance is
progressing heart
beats
become more
and more intense
and it's just four minutes
and ten seconds , for me it was ,
i tell you it was forever . so , it was
really a performance about complete and total trust
marina abranovic
✶!! 3/5/25, 09:44 i really like your pfp
<3 !! 3/5/25, 09:46 thsnk you it's from the cover of
i think it's a japanese cd of children's music
